Day 156

Well, it's interesting how I react when I've done well (last week). I ended up letting myself slip repeatedly, and so not surprisingly I gained a couple pounds back. It was almost like a "reward" for having worked hard previously. But then, when I haven't done well, like this morning, I find myself wanting to soothe the disappointment and frustration and anger at myself with - you guessed it - more food. So tonight I ordered pizza for myself and the kids, and I ate probably 2/3 of the pizza alone (I can try to rationalize ever-so-slightly by saying that at least I got a thin crust, which is essentially like a cracker instead of dough, but that hardly balances the quantity I ate!) And then I've been snacking on the leftover Easter candy - the bag of miniature Reeses cups just calls to me every night, and I only eat 2 or 4, but still...

On top of that, I'm not walking nearly enough. I have signed up for the Komen Breast Cancer 5K walk, and realized this morning it's only three weeks away. I feel that I could do it tomorrow if I pushed myself, but I would be a hurt puppy at the end of it. I can give all sorts of reasons why I haven't been moving more - I had bronchitis, my husband's been out of town and I've been dealing with the kids alone every night, we had company and were dealing with my son's birthday party, etc., etc. - but the reality is, I need to figure out some way to motivate myself to MOVE more. I know that not only will it help me lose more pounds, but I'll just FEEL better.

I was just watching some show about women who engage in extreme diets - raw food, extreme low calorie (with the idea that it extends your lifespan), freegan (dumpster diving), and replacing a focus on food with a focus on God. One of the sub-themes that really came out was - not surprisingly - that eating better is really about loving and valuing yourself. They are taking it to extremes, but it's a good concept to remind myself of, often. So how does one value oneself more, AND, how do you remember that in the middle of a craving/strong pull/force of chocolate, pizza, birthday cake (my son has too many birthday parties to go to, and he only eats a bite or two of cake, and then I have trouble just leavngn the rest!), whatever?

Day 149

The pros and cons of being sick...

I had bronchitis last week. It knocked me out for about four days. I was totally exhausted (con) and had no appetite (pro?) So when I was hungry, I tried to really zero in on what I wanted to eat (pro - mindfulness at its best!) But (con), what I found myself wanting to eat was doughy smushy comfort food - samosas (I know, a little weird), a croissant, macaroni and cheese... I went ahead and let myself eat it, because I was eating so little else.

Then we moved into the challenge of the special occasion - in this case, my son's birthday party, followed immediately by Mothers Day. I resisted the chicken nuggets, and had just a little bit of cake, but I cannot resist the cheese empanadas that my nanny made. And then we went out for Mothers Day brunch - I actually didn't do too badly, just a couple pastries, and then lots of fruit (good) drenched in chocolate fondue (not so good - rationalization: it was dark chocolate! :) Another time that I wished I ate eggs.

But this is life, right? Some days, weeks, it'll be easier and more routine. Then there will always be something that comes up - life isn't in a bubble. That's why this is (hopefully) much better long term than the liquid diets I've tried before, or the prepackaged meals, because that just seems unrealistic and doesn't really help you with what it's like living day to day. In my case, I've made enough changes that at brunch, I ate some of the vegetable couscous mix instead of potatoes, and deliberately decided to have a cinnamon twist (and it was really good! I passed on the chocolate croissant - I think, it's bad that I can't remember for sure! - because it just didn't look as good.) And while I did eat a lot of fruit in chocolate, I only ate one marshmallow in chocolate. :)

Amazingly, I ended up losing weight as of this morning. I'm down to 318! That's 63 pounds gone! Which is 35% (gotta love rounding up!) of the weight I want to lose. MORE THAN A THIRD GONE. I like it when I look at it that way...