Monday, March 29, 2010

Day 107

So I don't understand the scale. I have been awful, just awful this week in terms of what I'm eating, and also in terms of my steps - I hit 5000 once and 7000 once, but one day I didn't even hit 2000. But yet, this moring the scale read 330 pounds, which means I've lost all I gained in Thailand and one pound more.

But I don't feel good about it. I really have switched back onto "autopilot" (as Dr. Albers said to me in an email today). I think there are a couple things going on. One, I think it's seeming so hard to get from around the 5000 step mark up to the 10,000 step mark, that part of me thinks "why even try?" The day I hit 7000 steps this week I took a (brisk!) 40 minute walk of about two miles outside at lunch, and I was tired and sore afterwards. And I feel like, sheesh, I only hit 7,000 steps with all that work?? That means that to hit 10,000 I'd need to do more than a half hour of intense walking as well as work in a bunch of other steps in the day. So that means I need to really get to the point of actual concentrated EXERCISE rather than just increasing my general movement. I knew this was coming, I guess, but I didn't want to think about it, and it's a whole mental (and logistical) hurdle that I'm having trouble working through.

The second thing, probably more problematic, is that I don't think I can actually succeed in losing the weight long term. So, I think part of me is thinking "great job, you've lost some weight and feel better, now, since you'll gain it back eventually anyway, go ahead and start relaxing about it, be less vigilant, eat what looks good and don't worry about it." Self-defeating, I realize, but so easy to do...

When I said this to Dr. Albers she suggested a few things: 1) revisit some of my goals I set at the beginning (wearing my wedding rings, crossing my legs, etc.); and 2) set short-term rewards (non-food!) for myself. Plus try to do some visualization of what it would be like to hit my goals, short- or long-term.

It's a catch-22 for me. If I focus too much on the long goal of hitting, say, 200 pounds, that seems completely unattainable and not even worth trying to get to. But if I focus only on the short term, then it feels fleeting and not lasting.

So...I think I need to focus on getting to 300 pounds. That still seems not good enough, since in my mind that's the weight that I was at for a long time before I gained weight with my kids' adoptions. So getting back there is like getting back to the REAL starting point.  But all the same, another 30 pounds sounds like a reasonable, do-able amount to aim for - maybe by the end of June? Not sure what my reward will be, I'll have to think about that. And I need to just go back to taking things one day, one meal, one moment at a time, and being mindful, conscious of what I'm eating. I know I feel better without sugar in my system. I have to remember that. It's just so hard.

The other point Dr. Albers made is one I have thought a bit about before (can't remember if I've blogged on), but probably need to bring more to front of mind... I have worked hard for things before in my life, mainly around educational achievements. I can't count the number of all-nighters I've pulled in high school and college and grad school to get something finished, and not just finished but done well. That wasn't easy, but it wasn't ever a question in my mind that I would do what I needed to do to turn in a quality assignment. So how can I transfer that mentality to my eating and walking? I need to realize that I have past examples of setting my mind to something/making it a priority, working hard at it, and achieving a goal - and that this should be no different. Hmm...

Monday, March 22, 2010

Thailand photos - yep, that's me on an elephant!


The hubby and I at the Gridiron dinner, March 20.

Day 100!

Wow, that's a nice round number. I've been doing this 100 days, hmm...

I feel like I need to refocus and get myself back on the horse, so to speak. I allowed myself to enjoy Thailand without going crazy, and had lots of steps, but still came back about 10 pounds heavier than when I left. Today I weighed in and was at 334, so still a few pounds higher than when I left. I'm not being good about recording my food, and I'm slipping in some little way at least once a day. It almost feels like I have gotten a good chunk of weight off, and I feel much better than I did, so it's hard to redouble efforts and move myself to the next level. I need to internalize that if I work at it again I will feel even better. The next goal is to get to 300 pounds. Any advice on getting myself off this plateau would be most welcome!

We went to a very fancy event on Saturday night, called the Gridiron dinner - essentially one of the big events for the Washington media. I am so glad that I have lost the weight I have, because I felt INFINITELY better than I would have four months ago. I'll try to upload a photo.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Day 94

Back to the real world!

I tried posting a blog entry from Thailand, but the navigation bars were all in Thai, and I just didn't have the patience to figure it out! Sorry!

Had an AMAZING trip. There are so many things to talk about, but let me think about what is specifically related to this blog focus. First, food. I tried really hard for the first few days. The trip over I packed sandwiches and healthy snacks, ate a little of the airplane food but left the dessert and the roll and the bread, etc. But within a few days, I realized that I needed to just focus on moderation, and not to be too stringent or I would drive myself crazy and not enjoy the trip. Plus, I was in many situations (daily for lunch, especially) where I had limited choices of food - we only had what was provided for us, with only a few choices on the table. And since I really can't eat calamari since I find it too chewy and rubbery (at least, if it's not fried, which this most certainly wasn't, and which I wouldn't eat nowadays anyway!), and there were MANY dishes with very clearly defined tentacles...that limited the choices even more.

White rice was also ubiquitous, and necessary with many dishes to moderate the spices.

I did do pretty well at breakfasts, since it was a buffet - it was the only place I found multigrain bread, and they had natural peanut butter, and then fruit - OH, the FRUIT! I think I started to turn orange from all the mango I ate, but also pineapple, dragon fruit, these little slightly-larger-than-grapes round brown fruits that you peel called "dragon eyes", melon, Thai apples...the list goes on!

I did allow myself to sample just about all the desserts they had. They were all so different and unique, and I ACTIVELY decided to see what they tasted like and to experience the authenticity of what was offered. Some were way too sweet, but others were quite good.

I do need now to get myself back on track here, and that means cutting out sugar again, which will take some adjustment but I now know it will help my body feel better!

I got on the scale yesterday morning at home, and it said I had gained 10 pounds, but I'm hoping that's water weight/swelling from sitting on a plane for nearly 24 hours the day before, plus it's that time of the month. I had been feeling pretty good because I did a great deal of walking every day - one day I even hit 10,000 steps!! And I put on many an item of clothing that I had brought thinking it would fit, and it was WAY too large, so that was also reassuring. I'm just going to give myself this week to transition back, and then start getting upset if the scale doesn't start going in the right direction again.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Day 81

It has been just crazy here getting ready for my work trip to Thailand. On one hand I'm eating less because I've been so busy and stressed, but at the same time I've found myself allowing slips (I had pizza last night! :( more than I should. I have been eating lots of salads though, which is good. I'm worried about how things will go on the trip, but I think I need to just do my best, and also maximize the experience. In other words, not have mango sticky rice every day, but maybe a little bit once or twice would be okay. I'm also hopeful that I can get in a lot of walking once I get there - my colleague was saying we will likely be waking up early every day because of the time difference (Thailand is 12 hours ahead of D.C. time), and so hopefully I can motivate to walk on the beach.

When I get back I will redouble my efforts and refocus. I just was talking to a friend at work and she is thinking about finding a 5K walk to sign up for in May or June - I immediately said I wanted to join her - that would be a great goal and motivator for me to keep walking. I am continuously mindful of my cousin Liesl who has lost an impressive amount of weight and done the Komen 3-Day walk twice now. Something to aspire to!

Oh, and the best news - my weight yesterday morning was 331 on my scale - officially 50 pounds! I also spoke to the Dr. Oz folks this morning and they said they are thinking about bringing me back in April sometime, so that's another reason to refocus my efforts.