Monday, April 26, 2010

Day 135

I was right. If I actually try to follow the plan, I'll lose more weight. Go figure! Down FIVE more pounds as of this morning! That brings me 324, which is 57 lost total! And, I like this number even better - that's a THIRD of the way to my goal!! Now to just keep it up, and to KEEP MOVING...

Friday, April 23, 2010

Day 132

So, it's been a pretty good week! I have generally been able to get back on track! A few little things - had some of the kids' mac and cheese the other night, and last night we got Burger King, and I thought I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich but ended up (once I got home and opened it) with a crispy chicken sandwich, and yes, I went ahead and ate it and the fries too. But this morning I got up and realized that it just wasn't worth it. It wasn't THAT good going down. This was a good realization, and it felt different - it was a conscious, positive thought, not one based in lots of guilt or self-loathing - I just realized, you know, it's just not all that good. If I'm going to indulge (a better word than "cheat"!), make it something worth while. For example, tonight we are going to this fancy event, and I'm sure there will be some lovely desserts, and I will let myself eat some. And that's okay. But that's a whole lot more likely to be worth it than the crappy BK fries were.

I want to draw people's attention to one of the comments on my last blog entry in particular - my friend Terri posted an email she had received from one of the groups she's connected with that has a lot of good advice. And I saw this article in my most recent issue of Redbook that really resonated - here are a couple of excerpts:

1. Realize that the size of your body isn't just about food
Say I'm not taking my time with food, that I'm eating on the run, standing at the refrigerator, or in the car. That's just an expression of the belief that I can't take time for myself — that that kind of time is not allowed, that other things are more important than I am. Instead, ask yourself: What do you want to be doing with your time? Does that even enter your mind? Do you disregard yourself? Is there a way you could include more of what you truly want in your life? Everything is connected: If you feel guilty for eating one cookie, for instance, what does that say about the pleasure you deprive yourself of in daily life? Nothing is going to change if you're not curious about why you're using food and what you really need instead.

4. Believe that you deserve happiness
I want people to see that overcoming their problem with food isn't just about willpower or thin thighs or a flat belly. It's not a banal problem that can be fixed like that. When people turn to food when they're not hungry, they're using food as a drug. And the question is: Why? It could be an expression of boredom or loneliness or sadness or anger. But to me, people who use food when they're not hungry, and don't stop when they've had enough, are indicating that they've given up on themselves. They're basically saying that the only pleasure or the biggest pleasure I have in my life — all that's left for me — is to eat. And that's a spiritual issue, as well as a psychological and emotional one. All of us are longing for something that we can't even name. You can call it the meaning of life, or wonder, or mystery, or you can call it God. But there's a longing for something many of us can't quite put into words. I want people to see how they are filling that longing with food — and that if they stop, they can rediscover themselves and realize that there are other, healthier ways to feel good and to really, truly live. 

Monday, April 19, 2010

Day 128

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've been in a bit of a funk. And trying to figure out why and - more importantly - how to get myself out of it. As usual, Dr. Albers has I think hit the nail on the head again. She said that it sounds like I'm back to putting myself at the bottom of the pile of importance, and I think that's exactly it. I've been having some setbacks at work, and that's throwing my confidence in myself across the board. Which, then in turn, makes me want to retreat - the part of me that's the protector part takes over, and I eat, both to self-soothe ("you'll feel better if you eat that cake") and to "treat" myself ("you've had a hard day, you deserve to eat that, it won't kill you").

The reality is, no, one bite won't kill me, but when I keep letting myself have "treats" I AM setting myself up to die an early death. I don't feel good about my body, I'm a lot more tired than I had been, and my patience level is WAY down (with both my boss and my kids!)

After avoiding Dr. Roizen for weeks out of embarrassment and shame that I can't report good step numbers OR good food records, I finally emailed him with a major mea culpa. He was very nice, saying just to get back in the swing of things and work on hitting 6,000 steps a day. That's a good goal for me again. I was feeling completely intimidated by the thought of trying to hit 10,000. And I've come close the last few days - 5700 yesterday, 3000 the day before (ok, not so close!), 5937 the day before (which I round up to 6000!)...

Dr. Albers also zeroed in on one of my other good buttons to push - the no-regrets button. She gently reminded me that I've been handed an opportunity that most people would kill to have, and I don't want to look back and have any regrets about it. She's absolutely right, but it was a good - and needed - reminder.

So, we're trying again, starting over, new slate, new day, new week. Amazingly, my weight has stayed stable through all this, even down slightly (this morning was at 329). I was rationalizing that saying "well, that just shows I can slip and get away with it" - but I realize the better way to look at it is "if I DON'T slip, and really focus, think of how much more weight I could be losing!"

The next goal in my head is to look and feel good at my sister-in-law's wedding in mid-August. She was nice enough to let me out of the wedding party because I felt like a cow, but I'd like to still feel good when it actually happens. So that's four months away, about how long it's been since I started this journey. That means, maybe?, I can try to lose another 50 pounds by then? (I know it gets harder the further one goes down the scale...) If I can be solidly under 300 by August (like at 290), I will feel good about that. Then maybe we can aim for 250 by Christmas...but that's a long ways away and not worth worrying about at this point!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


Just a quick note to say THANK YOU for everyone who continues to comment on my posts. I really REALLY get great energy from your feedback and support, and it's such a pleasant surprise to hear from both good friends and supportive strangers/new friends! I encourage folks reading this to also go back and read comments from others, as there are some great ideas and perspectives that I've found to be helpful food for thought (no pun intended!)

Day 116

Better, but still in more of a maintenance mode than a losing mode...

So even after an Easter weekend at my in-laws', I managed to stay at about the same weight for the week. (The scale was hovering between 330 and 331, so I like to round down in this case :) I did really well on the Easter candy (the ABUNDANCE of Easter candy!) that was around all weekend (and still around at our house now). But with birthday parties on both Saturday and Sunday, it was hard to stay away from the pans of ziti and the cake. I did okay on the cake, eating just a small piece each day. (Except when we got home Sunday night - the kids said they wanted some of the left over cake, but then didn't really eat it - I started eating it because it was sitting there, and my husband - bless his heart! - asked me if I REALLY wanted to eat it, and he was right, I wasn't being mindful, I was just eating without thinking.)

The walking, well, that's another story. A couple of days I didn't even hit 2000, and the highest I got was just close to 5000. Not good. Lots and lots of driving though - DC to NJ, NJ to Long Island, back to NJ (sitting in traffic for hours!), then back to DC. Still, no excuse. And now it's 90 degrees outside! Not exactly prime walking weather. But I think I've decided to do a 5K walk in early June, the Komen Race for the Cure here in D.C., with a friend of mine from work who is similarly trying to lose some weight. It'll give us both something to work towards. And, I've found myself thinking about (not acting yet, mind you!) trying to get up in the mornings to walk on the treadmill. The kids haven't been sleeping well, so I've been up at least twice a night, and so it's hard as it is to drag myself out of bed at 7 each morning, so to get up 45 min earlier will be a struggle, but I think I need to try. Perhaps if I do it a few times then it's not such the big insurmountable concept that seems impossible.

Someone made the comment that my way of looking at food has changed forever, and I think that's true (well, forever seems like a long time, but still...) There is definitely a pre-Jennifer-Can-Do-It mindset and a post. Even when I've slipped like this weekend, I am able to get back on track more easily, and get back to a salad or sandwich for lunch, a good breakfast, healthy snacks, etc. (I have discovered, interestingly, that the sugars are not my downfall at this point, in fact, I don't like how I feel when I eat sugar now. It's the carbs and the CHEESE that are my real weakness, and I don't feel the physical effects as much as with sugar.)

Plus I'm wearing clothes that I haven't worn in years, and they're fitting decently on top of that! I have started a pile of things that are way too large - I don't think I can get rid of them quite yet, but at least get them out of my closet. So that is a motivation - I like fitting into size 24 pants again, and thinking I could actually go back to Talbots soon and buy clothes again, which I haven't done in about five or more years. It's just easy to get overwhelmed with everything - life, work, kids, house (why is it no matter how many things I put back in their place in the house, things just keep multiplying and moving around??) - so I need to keep telling myself "one step at a time, one morsel of food at a time"...