Monday, May 17, 2010

Day 156

Well, it's interesting how I react when I've done well (last week). I ended up letting myself slip repeatedly, and so not surprisingly I gained a couple pounds back. It was almost like a "reward" for having worked hard previously. But then, when I haven't done well, like this morning, I find myself wanting to soothe the disappointment and frustration and anger at myself with - you guessed it - more food. So tonight I ordered pizza for myself and the kids, and I ate probably 2/3 of the pizza alone (I can try to rationalize ever-so-slightly by saying that at least I got a thin crust, which is essentially like a cracker instead of dough, but that hardly balances the quantity I ate!) And then I've been snacking on the leftover Easter candy - the bag of miniature Reeses cups just calls to me every night, and I only eat 2 or 4, but still...

On top of that, I'm not walking nearly enough. I have signed up for the Komen Breast Cancer 5K walk, and realized this morning it's only three weeks away. I feel that I could do it tomorrow if I pushed myself, but I would be a hurt puppy at the end of it. I can give all sorts of reasons why I haven't been moving more - I had bronchitis, my husband's been out of town and I've been dealing with the kids alone every night, we had company and were dealing with my son's birthday party, etc., etc. - but the reality is, I need to figure out some way to motivate myself to MOVE more. I know that not only will it help me lose more pounds, but I'll just FEEL better.

I was just watching some show about women who engage in extreme diets - raw food, extreme low calorie (with the idea that it extends your lifespan), freegan (dumpster diving), and replacing a focus on food with a focus on God. One of the sub-themes that really came out was - not surprisingly - that eating better is really about loving and valuing yourself. They are taking it to extremes, but it's a good concept to remind myself of, often. So how does one value oneself more, AND, how do you remember that in the middle of a craving/strong pull/force of chocolate, pizza, birthday cake (my son has too many birthday parties to go to, and he only eats a bite or two of cake, and then I have trouble just leavngn the rest!), whatever?


  1. I applaud you for your honesty.There are days that we just want to curl up in a ball and fade away emotionaly.Just don't want to deal with this anymore ,it is too hard but what is the alternative? A short unhealthy life. We are so much alike. I think we forget that our bad habits are so ingrained over a long time. Life happens , the good and bad and we turn to food to cope. We have to work really hard to learn new coping skills that don't involve food.Sometimes nothing works.We are not going to do this perfectly because we are not perfect.We have to keep trying. We will get to a healthy weight.It does help me to know that there are a lot of us out there with this same struggle.

  2. Dump the candy, that is just being mean to yourself, having it in the house. Like torture. And I know I know, you don't want to limit the kids, but getting sugar out of their diet is loving your kids. I like the God idea, or if you don't believe in God, make your family friend network your higher power and let them show you it is possible to love yourself enough to be gentle and kind to your body. The only way I can do anything like this is to have a set routine. I am between semesters now so my routine is messed, but put walking in your calendar and give it a priority rating, like a doctor's appointment, which we don't skip. I am only rambling because I relate to every word you said, lots of love.

  3. Don't kick yourself for having an off week. You can't be on track perfectly all the time or it will never last!

    I think the cravings go hand-in-hand with the not walking enough. When I exercise, I just feel like eating better and don't crave junk nearly as much. Did you say you have a treadmill? When you have a craving, what if you make yourself go walk for 5-10 mins. (or if no treadmill, go up and downstairs - have the kids count or sing for you so they don't get bored) during which time you can ponder and decide whether to give in to the craving - and even if you do, at least you got some extra steps in. A funny thing my brother used to say after a bad work-out: at least that was __ minutes of not sitting on the couch eating cookies.

    Wear good socks and shoes for your 5k walk! I suggest using glide or vaseline on your feet and places you may get chafing. I do this for running and when I forget, it can be brutal.

    Go Jen Go!!!

  4. Dumpster Diving as a diet? Thats crazy! I have struggled this past month so I understand. I believe as long as you don't give up completely and make better choices (maybe not the best) you are still doing good.