Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've been in a bit of a funk. And trying to figure out why and - more importantly - how to get myself out of it. As usual, Dr. Albers has I think hit the nail on the head again. She said that it sounds like I'm back to putting myself at the bottom of the pile of importance, and I think that's exactly it. I've been having some setbacks at work, and that's throwing my confidence in myself across the board. Which, then in turn, makes me want to retreat - the part of me that's the protector part takes over, and I eat, both to self-soothe ("you'll feel better if you eat that cake") and to "treat" myself ("you've had a hard day, you deserve to eat that, it won't kill you").
The reality is, no, one bite won't kill me, but when I keep letting myself have "treats" I AM setting myself up to die an early death. I don't feel good about my body, I'm a lot more tired than I had been, and my patience level is WAY down (with both my boss and my kids!)
After avoiding Dr. Roizen for weeks out of embarrassment and shame that I can't report good step numbers OR good food records, I finally emailed him with a major mea culpa. He was very nice, saying just to get back in the swing of things and work on hitting 6,000 steps a day. That's a good goal for me again. I was feeling completely intimidated by the thought of trying to hit 10,000. And I've come close the last few days - 5700 yesterday, 3000 the day before (ok, not so close!), 5937 the day before (which I round up to 6000!)...
Dr. Albers also zeroed in on one of my other good buttons to push - the no-regrets button. She gently reminded me that I've been handed an opportunity that most people would kill to have, and I don't want to look back and have any regrets about it. She's absolutely right, but it was a good - and needed - reminder.
So, we're trying again, starting over, new slate, new day, new week. Amazingly, my weight has stayed stable through all this, even down slightly (this morning was at 329). I was rationalizing that saying "well, that just shows I can slip and get away with it" - but I realize the better way to look at it is "if I DON'T slip, and really focus, think of how much more weight I could be losing!"
The next goal in my head is to look and feel good at my sister-in-law's wedding in mid-August. She was nice enough to let me out of the wedding party because I felt like a cow, but I'd like to still feel good when it actually happens. So that's four months away, about how long it's been since I started this journey. That means, maybe?, I can try to lose another 50 pounds by then? (I know it gets harder the further one goes down the scale...) If I can be solidly under 300 by August (like at 290), I will feel good about that. Then maybe we can aim for 250 by Christmas...but that's a long ways away and not worth worrying about at this point!