Monday, April 19, 2010

Day 128

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've been in a bit of a funk. And trying to figure out why and - more importantly - how to get myself out of it. As usual, Dr. Albers has I think hit the nail on the head again. She said that it sounds like I'm back to putting myself at the bottom of the pile of importance, and I think that's exactly it. I've been having some setbacks at work, and that's throwing my confidence in myself across the board. Which, then in turn, makes me want to retreat - the part of me that's the protector part takes over, and I eat, both to self-soothe ("you'll feel better if you eat that cake") and to "treat" myself ("you've had a hard day, you deserve to eat that, it won't kill you").

The reality is, no, one bite won't kill me, but when I keep letting myself have "treats" I AM setting myself up to die an early death. I don't feel good about my body, I'm a lot more tired than I had been, and my patience level is WAY down (with both my boss and my kids!)

After avoiding Dr. Roizen for weeks out of embarrassment and shame that I can't report good step numbers OR good food records, I finally emailed him with a major mea culpa. He was very nice, saying just to get back in the swing of things and work on hitting 6,000 steps a day. That's a good goal for me again. I was feeling completely intimidated by the thought of trying to hit 10,000. And I've come close the last few days - 5700 yesterday, 3000 the day before (ok, not so close!), 5937 the day before (which I round up to 6000!)...

Dr. Albers also zeroed in on one of my other good buttons to push - the no-regrets button. She gently reminded me that I've been handed an opportunity that most people would kill to have, and I don't want to look back and have any regrets about it. She's absolutely right, but it was a good - and needed - reminder.

So, we're trying again, starting over, new slate, new day, new week. Amazingly, my weight has stayed stable through all this, even down slightly (this morning was at 329). I was rationalizing that saying "well, that just shows I can slip and get away with it" - but I realize the better way to look at it is "if I DON'T slip, and really focus, think of how much more weight I could be losing!"

The next goal in my head is to look and feel good at my sister-in-law's wedding in mid-August. She was nice enough to let me out of the wedding party because I felt like a cow, but I'd like to still feel good when it actually happens. So that's four months away, about how long it's been since I started this journey. That means, maybe?, I can try to lose another 50 pounds by then? (I know it gets harder the further one goes down the scale...) If I can be solidly under 300 by August (like at 290), I will feel good about that. Then maybe we can aim for 250 by Christmas...but that's a long ways away and not worth worrying about at this point!


  1. Hi Jennifer,
    I had a feeling that you were in a struggle as I have been. Life happens and we turn back to what is familiar to cope.I think the new coping skills are not ingrained enough. My weight has been going up and down , not a lot a few pounds but I feel I am not eating mindfully. Every time it happens I say this is impossible I will never do it so why bother trying then I say to myself I am worth it. You are not going to give up no matter what. These are just setbacks. What is the alternative. You hang in there and so will I.

  2. Welcome back, I wondered where you went, sending love your way.

  3. In the category of small world, just after I read your post, I received an e-newsletter from LiVESTRONG. Thought you and your readers might appreciate the tips:

    Mental Tips for Losing Weight

    Weight loss can be a difficult task, especially if you don't really believe you can accomplish it. Although much of the weight-loss battle is physical, mental choices play a big role. In fact, a study by researchers at the Queensland University of Technology, in Australia, reported that your self-belief level can influence exercise and healthy eating choices. Several mental tips can be used every day to help your weight-loss process run more smoothly.
    Don't Be Afraid to Say No

    Remind yourself it is OK to say no when offered food. No matter who is offering--your mother, your best friend or even your boss--it is fine to decline. Because the offering of food, such as baked goods, sometimes is given as a token of love or affection, saying no can be difficult. If you are afraid of offending, the Fitness magazine website recommends accepting the food but disposing of it at home. Or, if offered a second helping, accept it, but chose seconds of vegetables or fruit instead of the main course.
    Positive Self-Talk

    According to the Cognitive Therapy Associates website, restructuring negative thoughts can have a positive effect on weight loss. Be respectful of yourself, avoiding critical behavior and thoughts. Talk to yourself with dignity, ignoring the negative internal dialogue that can lead to weight-loss discouragement. Instead, replace negative self-talk with positive thoughts.
    It's OK to Waste It

    Don't feel guilty about not eating everything on your plate. Although most children are brought up learning not to waste food, Fitness magazine says it is better to dump extra food into the trash instead of into your body. If throwing food away is not economical for you, reduce recipes so appropriate portions can be served.
    Reduce Mental Stress

    Reducing stress improves mental function and also helps reduce the craving for food. Reduce stress by reading, meditating, yoga, doing deep-breathing exercises or playing with children. Whatever the activity, Cognitive Therapy Associates says it should be so enjoyable that you are likely to repeat it. Because overeating sometimes is a coping mechanism for stress, reducing it can be effective against weight loss.
    Activities Can Be Fun Without Food

    Although many activities often are coupled with food, a movie can be just as entertaining without popcorn. "When you combine a certain pastime over and over with eating, you eventually stop listening to hunger or fullness cues and just eat on autopilot whenever you engage in that activity," says Tara Gidus of the American Dietetic Association. Change this behavior by altering your routine. If you usually snack in front of the TV at night, read a book on the porch for a change of scenery. Instead of meeting friends for dinner, arrange a walk or a game of softball. Think about how much cash can be saved if you skip the concession stand at the movie theater.