Day 289

[I posted this a few days ago...but on the wrong blog! I write a blog for the grandparents about my kids and  accidentally posted this there instead of here, and it just took me a few days to realize what I had done!]

Well, Dr. Albers caught me. She nicely emailed me asking how things were going, and astutely recognized that when I don't blog, things aren't going so well! I've had a week of debauchery and decadence. No holds barred, nothing off limits. There are some stressers going on in my life, but it's no excuse. It definitely felt like once I let myself go, I went all the way. Donuts. Cake. Ice cream. Italian pastries. Macaroni and cheese (more than once - and it was always just finishing what was on my kids' plates). Did I mention donuts? Dr. Albers pointed out those seem to be my bellwether for having lost control - it's like donuts are the ultimate evil forbidden food for me.

My (4 year old) son has internalized the whole idea of "green light/red light" foods, so he'll ask if something's a red or green light food for me. I said in the car yesterday at the end of our three hour drive back from New Jersey that something was a red light food, but that I was going to still eat it - my husband (gently, nicely!) made the observation that I had been "running a lot of lights" lately. Good way of putting it... And the scale reflected it. I had gotten down to about 317 - this morning I was back at 325. Argh. So much for my goal of hitting 300 by the end of October. Or to lose 100 pounds total by the end of December (45 pounds in three months seems setting myself up for disappointment).

Unfortunately, while I feel icky (and tired - the sugar is definitely taking a toll on my energy), i don't feel gross enough to be truly motivated to get back on track. I'm tired of dieting, of always watching what I eat, of always trying to get more steps in (today I didn't even wear my pedometer). I know it's a lifelong struggle, and gets mildly easier once I'm into a different and new routine, but, sigh, I'm really feeling unmotivated. And seeing other motivated people (go fellow Oz-appearer Amy who is working up to running a half marathon in January!! I don't think I could run if my life depended on it!) doesn't make me want to get up and move - while I'm really happy for them, I feel like I'm just doomed to fail at this, so why bother.

What a cheery post for a dreary Monday morning. Sorry all.

Day 275

I think I was a little nutty yesterday - my husband and I planned to take the kids to do a 1 mile Family Fun walk for our local schools' education foundation...but it was raining so we let them stay at home with my mother and Pat and I (and my stepfather) decided on the spur of the moment to walk the full 5K race course! We were last to cross the finish line, but I think I improved my time from the first one I did, finishing in 62 minutes. Pretty good, considering I hadn't done any training walks in months! We are sore today though - my thighs and knees and Pat's ankles...but I'm pretty pleased that I was able to finish! I kept getting worried that they'd pull us from the course for being slow (there were only about 225 people who participated, a far cry from the tens of thousands at the walk I did downtown in June), but our deputy sheriff who kept coming up behind us was very supportive and cheered us on the whole way. It was a hillier course than the other one too...

Of course, the 11,000+ steps I did yesterday meant I let myself slip significantly at dinner. Sigh. One (or more) steps forward, another step back...!

I did finally do a weigh in, and I'm at 317. So, better than I had been anticipating, and if I can stay on course and not keep "allowing" myself these little slips, and start walking more again (I'm about to take a break from work in the next few minutes to go take a walk!), I should be able to get that down to 300 by Halloween.

Day 264

So yesterday went well!! I actually hit 10,000 steps - all from walking around the house (let's just say there was a LOT of cleaning that had to happen on an emergency basis - not going to say why because you will all be creeped out!) But then I had to leave the house for a few hours, and really struggled with myself about where to go hang out and have lunch. I almost chose Panera because I knew they had free wireless and are right next to the dry cleaner where I needed to go too...but I convinced myself that the convenience of parking the car once wasn't worth the struggle it would be to resist the temptation of all their pastries and yummy sweet bready things. So I went to Cosi, and had a good salad and whole grain bread (and discovered they have free wifi too!) Went to Starbucks and returned to my "treat" beverage, a skinny vanilla latte, which is skim milk and sugar free vanilla syrup, so only the calories of the milk - this was a change too, since I've recently slipped back into having the regular vanilla syrup (with the calories and the sugar), or even (horrors!) a mocha with hot chocolate mixed into the coffee! Then there was the debate about what to eat for dinner - there was a Chipotle just down from the Starbucks (again, not having to move the car and park somewhere else), but I knew that even if I got a burrito bowl, I'd be tempted by the rice and cheese...so I went to Subway for a turkey sub, only 6 inches when I used to order a 12 inch (and not be hungry to finish it, but end up eating it all anyway!) So, I know that all this minutia may be boring, but it's just reflective of the fact that this is a CONSTANT moment-to-moment struggle and no amount of planning and forethought can alleviate all of the debate with yourself about whether to stay on track or allow slight (or major!) deviations.