Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 332

When you don't post for an entire month, it makes adding up the days much easier...

As you probably have guessed, my silence has not meant good things. I've been muddling along, and not eating well at all. Yes, I've gained weight back - probably even about 20 pounds from my lowest weight. (Which, I need to try and remember, is still about 45 pounds less than where I was this time last year...) I have excuses out the wazoo - weekend getaway, Halloween, etc. - but none of those really carries weight (ha ha) when it's been essentially an eat-anything-and-everything mentality. It's almost like my brain was so tired of working at this, that not only did I just give up, but I started wanting to push more and more crap down my gullet just to make myself feel worse about it all. And I do feel crappy. At least my body is realizing that. After Halloween I really find myself not wanting chocolate. But I'm completely off from a planning standpoint - I had nothing in the house for breakfast this morning, so I ate cookies on my way into work.

Dr. Albers has sweetly continued to be super supportive and email me even when I ignore her for weeks (and she has an infant to deal with - I'd be saying "to heck with Jennifer!" if I was her :) Her suggestion is to not look at this as all or nothing, but go back to trying to do small steps - trying to hit a certain number of steps a day, eating a healthy breakfast, etc., but not saying I have to feel like I have to be completely on plan immediately. Sounds reasonable, and is worth a shot as I could see the possibility that as my body and head start making healthier choices, they might want to make more of them after a little while. I was going without my pedometer for many weeks, and I've started wearing it again. It's not hitting terribly high numbers, but I'm wearing it at least.

The holidays seem like this looming pit of despair in terms of food. I am thinking though that while it was hard last year to resist everything, in some ways it was easier to not try and balance and moderate, but more just say no to pretty much everything. It might be worth trying that again, and only make exceptions for a few specific times/items, like my birthday, husband's company holiday party, a really good Jersey cannoli.  And not to go crazy, but to just enjoy what I eat and stop when I'm full.

That is another goal I've been noodling on for a long time (and probably mentioned before): not eating everything on my plate. Why is this so hard? No matter how we were brought up (and I don't think I was told to eat everything on my plate because of starving kids somewhere in the world), at this point I should be able to internalize that it's not benefiting anyone, especially myself, to eat everything on the plate. And yes, I could bring things home as leftovers, which irks my husband (he grew up being told leftovers are "used food"), but somehow that option doesn't even solve the problem for me.

To end on an up note: no matter how much of the kids' Halloween candy I ate (and really, it was more from the bags we bought to give out rather than raiding their stash), I am proud that I have still not once taken candy from the candy dish of the secretary here at work, even though she got everyone's leftover Halloween candy and will be doling it out for months.


  1. Looming pit of despair pretty much sums up my feelings about my holiday eating plans too. I have been eating a ton of crap lately anyway. I need to follow your cue and just try to get back on track little by little. We can do it!

  2. Hi Jen - I'm sorry you have taken a turn in the wrong direction but it's good you are back posting if support from people who care can help you get your motivation and dedication back. It sounds as though you have lost sight of why you started this journey. Or maybe, au contraire, it's the overwhelming magnitude of it that has set you back. Regardless, I really think you need to put everything you can on hold in order to work on getting back the fire which helped you lose quite an impressive amount of weight in the last year. I recall your posts when a bad week was one where you only lost a pound or two. When you had a bad day or two, you checked yourself and got back on track. I really care about you and know that you have it in you to accomplish your goals. It's a long and I'm sure totally awful uphill climb, but it's so important and worthwhile. Can you get some extra help to get things kick started again? Is there another walk or two you can sign up for to get you out training for something? Try drinking a glass of water or having a go-to healthy snack available always and go for that whenever you are tempted by something you don't want to have eaten like the halloween candy. Anyway, please know I am 100% behind you and know you can do this!!