Day 50

(Wow, 50 days since this started - that's a long time...)

So, we're just going to pretend this day never happened. I took my son to two birthday parties today. I was pretty good at the first one, although I had a few bites of cake (after a three bite tuna whole wheat sandwich, some fruit, and some cherry tomatoes). But the second party needs to just go into a box and not be discussed ever again. They had homemade dumplings, sushi, and some of those yummy puff pastry appetizers. And great cake. I wasn't mindful at all, once I let myself eat a couple bites, I just let it go. Aye, yay, yay.

Okay, I slipped. I let myself slip, and I knew it was happening as I was doing it. Okay, move on. Tomorrow is another day. Dr. Albers made the point to me after a previous post that I shouldn't look at is as never eating X or Y ever again, but just not eating those things while I'm trying to lose weight. When I get to maintaining (seems SO far away!), then I can allow myself to eat an occasional treat.

I don't feel well right now though, with the sugar and the carbs. Hopefully I can remember this and not do it again next time.

Day 48

I've been feeling anxious, and I've been struggling to figure out why. I realized today as I mulled it over that it started when the show aired last week, but grew when I weighed myself on Monday and had only lost two pounds (I know, I know, two pounds is still good). I think that the first part was because suddenly this is all much more real - instead of just having some friends and family following my progress, now they had seen my "Truth Tube" numbers in all their shocking glory. It ratcheted up the stakes; now I have even further to fall if I fail.

But I think Monday when I weighed in was actually more problematic. I think my "only" two pound loss was a result of my little slips throughout the weekend. And that worried me. A lot. It made me worry that I'm not going to be able to do this long term, I'm not going to be able to be successful - maybe I can lose weight, but I'm not going to be able to keep it off, because I can't imagine my life without ever having pizza or birthday cake ever again. So I think the anxiety is stemming from worry that this is going to be yet another time of losing a significant amount of weight and then slowly gaining it back - and this time I'm going to be letting a whole lot of other people down, because they have all become invested in seeing me succeed.

I'm trying to tell that anxious part of me just to chill out a bit - I hear it, I understand it, but let's not freak out totally. I know I need to take this one step, one day, one meal, one minute at a time. I don't know how I'll feel when I've lost 100 pounds (it's hard to even hope to lose 181 pounds, which would get me to 200 pounds). But I have to deal with keeping it off them. I can't focus on that now. I have to focus on doing what I know I need to do now, keep walking, keep eating right, and keep being mindful of what I'm feeling and thinking.

Everyone's support is really really wonderful, and your words do keep me going. So thank you.

(P.S. I couldn't get into my car AGAIN yesterday at work - so I climbed over from the passenger's seat, and while it wasn't elegant, it was slightly easier than the last time I had to do it! :)

Day 46

A few folks have asked what kind of pedometer I have - the folks at the show gave me an Omron brand. My husband got one (an even newer, fancier version!) on Amazon for $30 (I think). It's really nice because it has a memory feature so when I'm reporting my steps to Dr. Roizen and have missed a day, I can easily look back and see how many steps I had.

The other thing I use a lot is an application on my iPhone called Loseit.com. I have always thought that keeping a food log would be incredibly burdensome. Once I've gotten going with this one, it's super easy to use and keep up with. Especially when you generally eat the same things over and over again - it has a nice feature where you can call up a previous meal and just copy it to another day. All on-line food journals have some shortcomings in terms of not having all the foods that you might eat, but this is pretty good. It also has an export report option which is great for sending summaries to Dr. R.! (Oh, and it's free!) And when you put something in on the phone it automatically updates it on the computer, and you can track progress over time.

Day 45

I lost two pounds this week. Seems like not much. That's 33 pounds total. I guess my little slips this weekend had an impact.

I feel like I'm in a lull. The initial extra energy I had seems to have dissipated, and I'm tired! I pushed pushed pushed myself today to get in steps, but still only hit 5200. My clothes are fitting better, but I think now it won't feel meaningful again until I hit 50 pounds gone - that might (might!) put me back into some clothes that I haven't been able to wear in a long time.

Two more things I thought of that I want to eventually be able to do:

• Wear my engagement and wedding rings again - yes, I know I could have them resized, but I haven't wanted to for years since I didn't want to feel like I was accepting the weight I was at. My husband had been super sweet in getting me a variety of other rings in the meantime, that do fit, but I'd like to be able to get back to the original rings that were meant to be on that finger.
• Never have to ask for help getting into my car again - okay, I know that sounds weird, but it happened again last week - a car had parked so close next to mine that I couldn't get back into the driver's side door and had to ask the attendant for help. I still remember a time last year that I had to climb over the passenger's side to get into my car - now that was an amusing site! So I'd like to be able to be thin enough to always be able to get into the car either on the driver's side or to (fairly!) easily climb over from the passenger's side.
  

Day 44

I have been overwhelmed by the support everyone has sent me since the show aired! THANK YOU all for your love and support. It really does help keep me focused and motivated. I can't imagine that reading my story is helping anyone else as much as you all are helping me, so, selfishly, I thank you thank you thank you!

It has been hard to stay focused at times. We went out to eat a lot this weekend since we had family visiting. I found myself sneaking little bites of not-on-the-plan food, whereas before I have really been pretty good about just not touching it. I worry that this is a slippery slope where I allow myself a little bite here, a little bite there, and then a whole meal slip here (actually, I guess that happened, I had pizza on Friday night - no sauce, very thin crust, but still - that's all just rationalization). I need to get back on the straight and narrow tomorrow. It'll be interesting to see tomorrow morning if/how much I've lost this week and if these slips affect the numbers. It's clear that the stress level is still directly connected to the eating - I have been short-tempered with the kiddos this weekend (my son has been SO clingy and whiny) and I think that's contributing to my lack of focus.

This week's goal again is steps steps steps. I'm reliably hitting 4000 a day now, even on the weekends, which is an accomplishment, but not enough, not nearly. Dr. R. wants me at 6000 at least...

Day 41

How surreal to watch myself on television. I knew it was coming, but it's still strange. I just don't see myself as large as I appeared on the tv. I was able to watch it at home alone, which I think was ultimately good. It was hard to see myself as others see me, especially thinking that there are strangers watching and judging me. Everyone has been so sweet so far though. I am extremely lucky to have so many wonderful supporters routing for me. I really appreciate everyone's love and support!

REMINDER - Show airs TOMORROW, Jan 21!

The show airs tomorrow - look forward to hearing people's feedback!

Day 39

My friend Terri asked what percentage of the way I am to my goal. Since everyone will know my starting weight as of this Thursday when the show airs, I guess there's no reason to be coy about it any more. On the show I weighed in at 381. As of yesterday morning I was at 350. (Why do I feel that I need to add the caveat that these weights were on two different scales, so I don't know if it's truly comparing apples to apples?) So, the question is what is my goal? By the weight charts, I'd have to get down to about 174 to be out of the "obese" category. In my mind if I could get down to 200 pounds, I'd be ecstatic. (That would put me at a BMI of 35, still in the "obese" level.) So, by that, I want to lose 181 pounds total (to get to 200). My 31 pounds is 17% of the way to that goal.

This is actually a good way of looking at things, thanks, Terri. 17% seems like a more meaningful number than 31 pounds compared to 181 pounds. The other thing that one of my colleagues suggested is buying five pound bags of flour and stacking them in my office to visually show how much weight I've lost. I could see this being a powerful visual, at least over time (right now, six bags of flour might not look all that impressive!) Also, another four pounds and I will have lost the equivalent of my son's weight - that's also powerful to me (I "lost" my daughter at 25 pounds!)

Day 38

Well, a better weigh in this morning - I'm down 5 more pounds. That brings me up to 31 total. Why though does that make me feel like I can slack today and not be as good, rather than refocusing me and giving me the inspiration to redouble my efforts? I let myself have a few little chocolate "pearls" that my kids were eating - and not even dark chocolate.

The other thing that I realized is really quite difficult for me to adjust to is that for the first time in my 25 years or so of dieting efforts, this is the first time that I am not needing to focus on calories. For example, with Weight Watchers, as my husband likes to say, you could spend all your "points" in a day eating just marshmallow Peeps (you might be hungry, but it would technically be acceptable). In this case, when on Thursday I planned in advance for the dinner party and ate light during the day, Dr. R. said that wasn't acceptable because I still ate things that I shouldn't have. It's a real mental shift that's taking a long time to understand and adjust to.

Day 34

It's hard when you are invited to a dinner birthday party and there aren't any choices of what to eat. So tonight I ate about 1/2 cup of white rice, a couple of pieces of short ribs (but made without any sauce), and a little bit of rice pudding. It would have been impolite not to eat at least something, and it would have also been rude for me not to go at all. The problem is that once I start eating something I'm not supposed to it's hard to stop, especially when there's more sitting in front of me.

Two good days of steps, hitting more than 5500 yesterday and Tuesday. Argh, but today I worked from home and didn't even hit 3000. It's the same problem on the weekends. You'd think I could use the extra, more flexible time to work in more walking/moving, but it's seeming to be easier to walk around my office building three or four times a day for ten minutes than it is to motivate here at home.

Day 31 (addendum)

Forgot to mention - we got a date for the airing of the show! It'll be Thursday, January 21. Please, be kind in your judgments as you watch!

Day 31

These are the times that make it difficult to plug on through. I only lost two pounds this week. I know, I know, over time, it's okay, and two pounds a week would be a good, sustainable, steady weight loss. It just all still feels hard and like I'm continually working at this and that doesn't feel like enough to show for it. I think it really does come down to the exercise though. I didn't hit my step numbers except one day last week. This is my focus for the week, to really work to hit 5000 every day. Course I am only at 4400 right now and it's almost time for bed.

I think I'm also just feeling bored with it all. It's no where near as interesting as eating a wide variety of sugary foods. Of course, I feel better longer term than I do if I went back to donuts, short term too, since I always was so self-condemning after eating something crappy.

Nice suggestion from Laura about finding a good book on tape to make the walking more interesting. Am open to any suggestions - needs to be good to listen to in 15-20 minute increments and keep me wanting more.

Day 28

In a groove?

I had lunch with a coworker today who hadn't previously heard about all my diet fun. (Had my greek salad pita again - yum!) She said it sounded like I was getting into a groove with the eating. It was an interesting way to think about it that hadn't really occurred to me before. I think she's right about the food, although I still find myself getting depressed or anxious about various things, and it makes me want to throw in the towel. Well, I guess that's not quite right. I'm feeling anxious right this minute, but I'm not sure why. Part of me feels like giving up, but there's a bigger part of me that knows that's not even an option. Maybe that's what she means by getting into a groove. It's becoming far less of an option to give up than it is to keep going. (I did allow myself my occasional indulgence tonight of a small square of very dark Ghiradelli chocolate though.)

Unfortunately, I'm clearly not in a groove yet on the exercising. I'm having trouble finding, no, MAKING, the time to get my steps in. Dr. R. wants me to hit 5,000 a day, and I'm having trouble regularly getting in more than 3000. I keep saying that I'll get up and walk around the building - it doesn't take more than 15 minutes to do three laps. If I did that twice a day, I'd be close to my 5000 steps. But today I couldn't even find - make - the time to do it once. It's boring! But that seems like just an excuse. The weather has been awful, bitter cold, but that seems like just an excuse. Argh.

Day 27

Such good additions to my list of things I want to be able to do! Thanks, friends!

• Sit comfortably in an airplane seat (I'm likely flying to Thailand for work in less than two months, and I am dreading a 14 hour flight stuffed into an economy seat if I don't lose some more weight!)
• Not worry about going to theaters, sporting events, etc. because the seats are going to be too small and uncomfortable and distracting.
• Yoga - I've never had a great desire to do yoga, but I do want to be more flexible.
• Wear boots - this I'm not actually at all hopeful about. My calves have always been large, even when I was in middle/high school. I remember having a hell of a time skiing because I had to have boot strap extenders to close the ski boots. But I've never been able to wear even ankle boots because of my "cankles" - honestly, while that would be great, I'd love to just be able to wear a skirt and not be embarrassed!

Keep the ideas coming, I love this!

Day 26

Things I want to do when I'm thinner (in no particular order):

•  Cross my legs
• Walk into a regular department store and buy clothes off the rack
• Not dread having to walk up a flight of stairs
• Be able to jump on a mattress with my kids
• Walk without my thighs chafing (that will be a LONG time coming!)
• Be able to easily sit down and get up off the floor
• Walk through restaurants with tables close together and not worry about knocking over wine glasses with my butt (yes, this has happened, more than once)

(this list will likely grow - other suggestions are most welcome!)

Day 25

Another day, another test

So just as I think, okay, I'm back into the swing of things, into a routine, I can do this, I get thrown another test. I got a call this morning from a friend in Dallas and found out that she has Stage 3 metastatic breast cancer, just had a double mastectomy, and starts radiation tomorrow for four months. Ugh. No one deserves this, but she's such a sweet and lovely person (as is her husband), I just hated to hear this news. So once I hung up the phone, I realized I was running through a bunch of emotions, thoughts, and reactions. Beyond just being distressed by the news, I realized that my immediate reaction was to find something doughy or chocolatey (or both) to eat. First as a comfort, self-soothing mechanism. Then with the thought that "life is so short, and unfair, why don't I just treat myself and eat something that is so tasty, even if it's not good for me, we all are just going to get sick eventually anyway."

But, I stopped, and recognized that I was working my way through these reactions. I'm very proud of how I handled it. I went and found a coworker, who has been super supportive with my journey. I asked her to come with me to Starbucks. I knew that letting myself have a tall skim sugar free vanilla latte would be a nice treat for me, with only the calories of the skim milk (and I hadn't had any protein this morning so I was feeling hungry). But I also knew that I needed to tell someone what I was reacting too so that I didn't internalize it, and that I needed someone to come with me to Starbucks so I wouldn't buy a scone or donut or coffee cake like I used to (or even two). It worked, all around.

I do feel like there are so many people dealing with so much bigger problems, like cancer, like job loss, like fatally ill children, that writing about my little diet woes is insignificant and petty. But it is what I'm dealing with, and I'm fortunate that it's all I'm dealing with now, and I'm doing it to NOT to have to deal with some of these more difficult issues later in life.

Day 24

I like routines. I like being at my in-laws', but my waistline likes being at home. I weighed in this morning and was down another 5 pounds from last Wednesday. I'm hoping that being back into a routine at work will help me stay on track, but also give me some variation in food. I know a lot of people at work don't like our cafeteria, but they are really trying to do the right thing by issuing a weekly menu with calorie and nutrition breakdowns, and flagging items that are healthier choices. So, for example, today I had a whole wheat pita with a greek salad mix on top, sprinkled with a little feta cheese. YUM! Last week I had turkey chili with lots of black beans.

The exercise is going to always always always be more challenging. I was all set today to walk around the building at least two or three times during the day. I got to do none. So my steps are only at around 3000 for the day. Argh. As Dr. R. points out, even just hitting 5000 is only half of what I need to ultimately work to hit. Will try to do better tomorrow...

Day 21

A new year. I think this means I have effectively survived the holidays. We did splurge yesterday and had a late New Year's Eve lunch at Ruths Chris (yes, as parents of two kids under 4, a New Year's Eve lunch is as exciting as it gets!) I did allow myself a few pieces of their wonderful bread, but otherwise I had a steak salad with blue cheese crumbles. Dr. R. said cheese is okay in small amounts occasionally if it's very sharp and just to add strong flavor - well, that's what this was! We also split a slice of flourless chocolate cake, and it was quite enjoyable. After I get through another couple of weeks with no sugar (again), I may allow myself one small piece of really good dark chocolate once a week as a treat...

As we start this new year, I think my resolutions are clear - stick to this plan, get healthy, and lose weight. I want to also say a huge thanks to all the friends and relatives who have been SO supportive to me so far in this (sometimes frighteningly) public adventure. I know I will need your ongoing support and love to keep me going!