Thursday, January 28, 2010

Day 48

I've been feeling anxious, and I've been struggling to figure out why. I realized today as I mulled it over that it started when the show aired last week, but grew when I weighed myself on Monday and had only lost two pounds (I know, I know, two pounds is still good). I think that the first part was because suddenly this is all much more real - instead of just having some friends and family following my progress, now they had seen my "Truth Tube" numbers in all their shocking glory. It ratcheted up the stakes; now I have even further to fall if I fail.

But I think Monday when I weighed in was actually more problematic. I think my "only" two pound loss was a result of my little slips throughout the weekend. And that worried me. A lot. It made me worry that I'm not going to be able to do this long term, I'm not going to be able to be successful - maybe I can lose weight, but I'm not going to be able to keep it off, because I can't imagine my life without ever having pizza or birthday cake ever again. So I think the anxiety is stemming from worry that this is going to be yet another time of losing a significant amount of weight and then slowly gaining it back - and this time I'm going to be letting a whole lot of other people down, because they have all become invested in seeing me succeed.

I'm trying to tell that anxious part of me just to chill out a bit - I hear it, I understand it, but let's not freak out totally. I know I need to take this one step, one day, one meal, one minute at a time. I don't know how I'll feel when I've lost 100 pounds (it's hard to even hope to lose 181 pounds, which would get me to 200 pounds). But I have to deal with keeping it off them. I can't focus on that now. I have to focus on doing what I know I need to do now, keep walking, keep eating right, and keep being mindful of what I'm feeling and thinking.

Everyone's support is really really wonderful, and your words do keep me going. So thank you.

(P.S. I couldn't get into my car AGAIN yesterday at work - so I climbed over from the passenger's seat, and while it wasn't elegant, it was slightly easier than the last time I had to do it! :)

1 comment:

  1. One Day At A Time. Even your goal weight is not something to worry about today. If I focused on the fact that I can never have a glass of Merlot ever again I set myself up for failure. I choose not to drink the glass (or the Southern Comfort!) just for today. Tomorrow I begin the process again. You have asked for help, that puts you ahead of many other people struggling. That is huge. Hugs